25

I have wanted to write a post about marriage for YEARS. And I have had people ask me to write one, for years. I could write hundreds of posts about marriage and family. I literally study it every single day. But I never felt like it was the right time to write one, or to at least post what I write.

But now I do. So here it is :)

Throughout my young adult years I have been asked many, many questions about my life. “What is your major?” “What do you want to do after you graduate?” “Where did you serve your mission?” etc etc etc. But the one I get asked the most often, without fail, for the past 5 years or so is, “Why are you not married?” The thing is, I don’t mind this question most of the time. It usually comes from a sincere place. Not a “What the heck why aren’t you married yet” condescending sort of question. But more of a, “How is it that you’re not married?” like there must be a really good reason behind it. There are so many answers I could give to this question. Seriously, so many.  And they are all good. But the one I rely on the most, because I feel it is the most accurate, is,

It’s not time yet.

I spent the first year and a half after being home from the mission in a really detrimental mindset when it comes to marriage. Yes, I was clinically depressed for a few months after coming home, ridiculously depressed, but that’s a separate issue. Oftentimes, when you come home from a mission, you know that the “next big step” in your life is to get married and start a family. You have seen the importance of choosing a spouse who is faithful in the gospel like you, and raising children together. And it’s good that you want to make that step, because that being the “next big step” in your life is true, to an extent. But unfortunately, believing this put me in a “if I’m not married by tomorrow then I must be doing something wrong” state, and I'm not the only one. Seriously. I can’t tell you how many recently returned missionaries I talk to, males and females, who feel like they need to have a girlfriend/boyfriend by next week or they’re failing.

And let me tell you, that first year and a half was brutal. Absolutely brutal. I went to thirteen temple sealings within that short time period. Thirteen! They were special, and I cherish every single one. Some of the most sacred spiritual experiences I have had occurred during temple sealings. But it was hard! I felt like everyone else was reaching that “next big step”. They were progressing. They were fulfilling their purpose. They were doing what everyone is supposed to do.

And I wasn’t.

I lost a lot of friends during that time. So I made new ones. And I lost those too. And it’s okay! Really, it’s okay. I’m not bitter about it anymore. But it was hard, really, really hard. And I felt like I was doing something wrong, or rather, that there was something wrong with me.

And I want to make this very clear: I didn’t want to get married just to be married like everyone else was. I wanted to get married to fulfill my purpose in life. I wanted to share my life with someone. I wanted to raise children in a happy home. (Also keep in mind that I was a Family Studies major, so I spent literally every day of my life talking about and studying marriage and family, and how important it is. It was amazing, but it was hard! I could write pages and pages about going through my major so I won’t. But I have devoted my life to learning how to strengthen families because it is the path for me, so it was on my mind ALL THE TIME).

The best piece of advice I have ever received in my entire life (not just about this topic but seriously the BEST piece of advice for all time) came from my wise mother. At some point in my life, I can’t even remember when, she said to me, “Sydney, live your life as if marriage isn’t going to happen. Then if it does, you’ll adjust.”

I cannot tell you how much this has helped me.

For that year and a half when I got home from the mish, I was not living this way. I didn’t want to buy certain housing contracts because maybe I would get married to some person the next summer that I didn’t even know yet and I didn’t want to be locked into single housing for the summer. I didn’t want to do a study abroad because maybe my husband would be in Provo and I would “miss” him if I went somewhere, like I would miss my one and only chance to meet him because I wouldn’t be where he was. I was so concerned about what ward I was in, or what classes I took, because maybe there was one specific class or ward that he would be in and I needed to make sure I chose the right one.

I was planning my life around a hypothetical marriage that may or may not happen, and I was miserable.

One summer I finally had some epiphany where I completely internalized my mom’s advice. I stopped making my life decisions based off of something that might not happen for me in this life, and I started doing what would make me happy now. And it worked.

I’ve done a lot of really cool things since that epiphany. I lived in China. I’m living in Russia. I finished my undergraduate degree. I have had some amazing jobs. I have been accepted to a few marriage and family therapy master’s programs for the fall. I am doing so many things that I always wanted to do, that were a part of God’s plan for me, that I couldn’t or wouldn’t have done if I had been married when I first thought I wanted to be. 

Let me be clear again: I am not doing these amazing things just to pass the time. I'm doing them because that is what I am meant to be doing.

I’m not going to lie to you; it is still hard being 25 and not married. I know I know, I’m “still so young”. I have my “whole life ahead of me”.  And all of those other cliché phrases that everyone insists on saying are true.  But that doesn’t change the fact that there is a place in my heart that wants to share my life with someone soooo badly. It doesn’t keep the cutting remarks of “how can you expect to be a marriage and family therapist if you’re not married” from hurting. It doesn’t stop me from having the occasional panic attack that the older I get the older my (maybe) husband gets, and honestly I don’t want to marry someone who is old! It doesn’t stop me from feeling lonely when I go to a friend’s temple sealing by myself, and have to go home by myself. Living my life as if marriage isn’t going to happen doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult, because it is. But it does mean that I’m a whole lot happier than if I were planning my life around some speculative event with some unknown person at some hypothetical time in the future.

So we return to the original question, “Why are you not married?”

The honest answer, the one I feel deeply in my soul, the answer I feel is God-given, is,

“It’s not time yet.”

And I’m okay with that :)