I’m feeling extra vulnerable today. The past couple of weeks
with starting a new semester and a new job have been particularly difficult.
I’m constantly reminded of my limitations and it gets really frustrating. I say
to myself over and over again that I just want to be “normal”. I know, I know,
what does “normal” even mean? Well, in my case, I have a definition behind the
word.
When I say “normal” I mean that I don’t want to wake up some
days wishing that I didn’t. I want to go through life without feeling a
pressure on my head and chest that sometimes leaves me incapable of moving. I
want to be able to take more than three classes and work part time without
getting so overwhelmed that the only possible solution I can fathom is to quit
everything and give up on life altogether. But that is not my life. A lot of people
I know don’t fight those feelings on a daily basis.
I had a pretty rough day yesterday (school, research,
planning an FHE activity and executing it by myself, not enough meaningful
one-on-one interactions and too many surface-level ones) and so I went to bed
gladly. I hoped that when I woke up today I would feel better and be able to go
to class, work in the research lab, go to my scheduled therapy session, and
then come home and do homework.
Only one of those things actually happened, and I bet you
can guess which one it was.
This happens to me every semester. Seriously. The same
feelings of frustration, inadequacy, anger, sadness, hopelessness, loneliness,
etc. They happen every semester, and they hurt every time.
People frequently say that they go through the same things
over and over again because they didn’t learn what they needed to learn the
first time (for example: humility, gratitude, patience, obedience, etc.). I
kind of disagree with that. I DO think that we are given many opportunities to
learn something; sometimes we are even put in the same situation. But I DON’T
think it’s because we didn’t learn it the first time. We are always changing
and evolving. Our life is always moving forward. So even if we encounter the
same situation today as we did one year ago, we can progress in new and deeper
ways because we are different. It’s
not because we failed.
As I was crying to my mom on the phone this morning the
thought came to my head that I should read my journal from two years ago when I
came back to BYU after dropping out for my mental health. I was dying with how
perfectly my 21 year-old self could describe my feelings today. I was also
impressed with the solutions I presented: put God first, go to the temple every
week, don’t be afraid to ask for Priesthood blessings, and everything will be
okay. It wasn’t easy, my semester two years ago. But as I read my struggles in
each entry I also saw my triumphs.
So, if the solutions are the same, what am I going to learn
this time that’s new? Let’s start with who I was back then. Two years ago I was
so afraid of anyone finding out I had mental illness. I had a lot of trust
issues. I struggled to open up to people because I didn’t want to burden them
or have them think I was crazy. I also feared being misunderstood, because that
was so much of what I had encountered throughout my life up to that point. I
couldn’t “be myself” around others because I didn’t know who I was. And
sometimes, when I felt like I was actually making progress in that regard, I
would be shot down by someone who made me feel stupid for having personal
preferences when it came to how I dressed, my humor, taste in music, or really
anything I liked that they didn’t.
But I’m not like that anymore! I have had some very
fulfilling relationships with family and friends in the past two years that
reminded me that I can trust people. I figured out who I was and I now stand up
to the people who try to make me feel dumb for liking what I like. I went
public about my mental illness on social media a year ago because I am not
ashamed of what I struggle with and I feel a personal responsibility to stop
the stupid stigma that the world still has on it. I’ve also done a lot of
really hard and fulfilling things (finished more school, worked in a treatment
center, lived in China, etc.) in the past two years.
So yes, I am going through pretty much the same thing that I
do every semester. BUT, I am different, my life is different, so here is what I
get to experience on an even deeper level than before: trust in God and His
plan for me, faith that the Savior will give me the strength to go to class,
work, fulfill my calling, etc., love and gratitude for Him and His gospel, that
I can do hard things, and that I have value and am needed on this earth.
I love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ more than
anything else in this whole world. I am alive because They have always stayed
with me. They know what it is like to live with mental illness. They know the
deepest of sorrows, not just for mental illness, but for every difficulty
mortality brings us. They comfort me when I am sad and give me the strength to
make it another day. When I follow Them, I am okay.
And most importantly, They love me.
This post turned out to be different than I thought it would
be, but here we are. September is suicide prevention month so if you or someone
you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts please reach out!
There are many resources available to you. I am in love with the church’s
website on mental health: https://www.lds.org/mentalhealth?lang=eng
And please please PLEASE know that you can always come to
me, for anything, not just the mental stuff :) Love you.
