A Tribute to my Sisters

PRETEND THAT I POSTED THIS AT THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER. Thanks :)

The past six weeks have been completely different from what I expected. There have been a lot of ups and downs, complications and frustrations. But during this time Heavenly Father has blessed me tremendously.

One of the things He has blessed me with is time to think. A recurring topic that runs through my mind is that of the many sisterhoods Heavenly Father has given me throughout my life. It’s kind of a cheesy word, sisterhood, but I have no other way to describe it.  One of the many definitions Dictionary.com gives sisterhood is this: congenial relationship or companionship among women; mutual female esteem, concern, support, etc.

I couldn’t agree more.

The first time I ever felt really connected with such a large group of girls was the high school dance team we had my junior year. This year was very special for me. I decided to get back surgery the summer following that year, so I could recover when I was a senior before I went to BYU. It was my last year of dancing, something that I had spent my whole life loving. I wanted it to be the best year ever, and it was, because of my team. It ended up being my favorite year of high school.

The girls on Lancer Dancers that year were some of the best people I had ever met. I fell in love with them so quickly. Our team was very new, and those of us who were returning team members were determined to make it a loving and safe place for us. We spent so much time together, we had fun together, we were serious together, we cried and laughed and worked hard. We were friends. For me, I would say best friends. I looked forward to seeing them every day.

Sorry, it has seriously been so long that I am having the hardest time describing what it was like. Probably because it was so perfect it feels like a dream. Honestly it was a dream, the best dream I ever had up to that point in my life. Over and over again that year I would have waves of warmth and happiness wash over me, and I would find myself thinking “I am never going to feel this way ever again.” I honestly thought it was impossible to be so happy. And I really did think it was a one-time thing.

Little did I know that my freshman year at BYU I would be blessed with another group of amazing girls. We found each other our first Sunday. Honestly I don’t even remember how we found each other, we just did. And we were tight ever since. I loved those girls. They were one of the major reasons why I was so happy at BYU and why I didn’t want to leave. A lot of us were called to serve missions after that year. My heart ached whenever I thought about having to leave them. During these moments, Alma 17:2 (a scripture in the Book of Mormon, watch a short video about it here https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2015-00-1010-what-is-the-book-of-mormon-a-60-second-overview?lang=eng ) became one of the most comforting scriptures:

“Now these sons of Mosiah were with Alma at the time the angel first appeared unto him; therefore Alma did rejoice exceedingly to see his brethren; and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord; yea, and they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God.”

As I prayed in gratitude for these friendships I had at BYU, I would also cry and say the familiar phrase “I’m never going to feel this way ever again”. I imagine Heavenly Father was softly smiling at me during those times, and gently whispering “Just wait”.

So I left on my mission. It was the hardest thing ever. Seriously. But during this time I was sent to Lewiston, Idaho. Oh man I love that place. You know who else got sent to Lewiston, Idaho? Some of the most incredible, loving, faithful girls in this whole world. There were several of us who were there for a loooong time. And by long time I mean six months or more. Yeah. It was the coolest.

There’s nothing that can describe being sister missionaries together. Nothing. Your whole purpose is to bring everyone around you to Christ. Everyone. That included us. And they did. They brought me closer to Him by loving me the way the Savior does, by serving me, laughing with me, and crying with me. THEY MADE ME SO HAPPY. They were the best friends I had ever had. And I felt like Heavenly Father said “Here, Sister Reed. These are for you.”

If I had never served a mission I would have never met them. And if they were the only good thing that came from me serving I would still consider my mission one of the greatest gifts Heavenly Father gave me (luckily it wasn’t J). I can’t imagine my life without them.

Getting transferred to a new area and leaving them was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. And I thought to myself “Okay, seriously this time, this is really it. I am never going to feel this way ever again.” Thank goodness I was wrong. Again.

For the rest of my mission I experienced friendships similar to this, in Moscow and in Spokane Valley. I went home from my mission, went back to BYU and made more friends, because that’s what you do when you move all the time. I have had many close friends during this time and I am so grateful for them. In my mind I’ve never described any of these as a sisterhood though. I think because I had honestly thought I used up all of my sisterhood cards.

And then, I moved to China.

There are 6 of us here in my group: Brooklyn, Lexie, Makayla, Brianna, Monique, and yours truly. We have lived together for six weeks now. In case any of you were wondering, living with someone is a fast track to becoming really good friends.

Within one week I already felt so connected to all of them. I felt like I could be myself more than I could with some people who have known me my whole life. We have experienced some hard things together (our first school didn’t work out, we moved to Beijing, and there’s still some hiccups here), and those things were a great catalyst to the development of our friendship. We’re all so different, but I love them all so much. 

A few weeks ago I was having one of those gratitude moments with Heavenly Father and I thought “Here I am again. I am experiencing the joy that comes from a sisterhood again.” I think at this point I’ve finally learned to stop putting limitations on the happiness Heavenly Father can give me throughout my life. He knows that sisterhoods bring me so much joy. He has given all of them to me, because He cares about me, and wants me to be happy. And I imagine that He will continue to bless me with them for the rest of my life.

One of my other all time favorite scriptures is 2 Nephi 1:30-31. In 2 Nephi 1, Lehi is blessing all of his posterity because he’s about to pass away. Zoram, while not a familial descendant of Lehi, also receives a blessing:

“And now, Zoram, I speak unto you: Behold, thou art the servant of Laban; nevertheless, thou hast been brought out of the land of Jerusalem, and I know that thou art a true friend unto my son, Nephi, forever.

Wherefore, because thou hast been faithful thy seed shall be blessed with his seed, that they dwell in prosperity long upon the face of this land; and nothing, save it shall be iniquity among them, shall harm or disturb their prosperity upon the face of this land forever.”

This scripture taught me that friendships are eternal. The older I get, the more friends I make, which makes life so much sweeter. With this joy comes a little bit of sorrow, because it is impossible to stay in touch with everyone you love once you leave each other. But knowing that friendships will last forever gives me so much peace, because I know that life doesn’t end on earth. I will see all of them again (that is, if they want to see me J).

So to ALL of my friends that I have ever had (past, present, young, old, male, female, etc.) thank you for being a part of my life. Please know that your love for me has always been and still is very much appreciated. And especially to my sisters, thank you for loving me for me.

September is Suicide Prevention Month

Hi. So as the title may indicate this blog post has nothing to do with China. But this is something that has been on my mind a lot this month and I have had some time to reflect on my experiences with depression and suicide. It’s a sensitive subject and something I think is misunderstood a lot; I know it was for me for a long time. I just wanted to share a few thoughts I had and a little about my story with depression. I’m going to leave a lot of things out to try to keep it brief, but no promises.

As a child and young teenager I had heard about mental illness, but honestly didn’t know what it was. Throughout high school I learned about depression in my psychology classes and honestly thought it could be something I suffered from, but always rejected the idea because no one wants to have something wrong with them. Here’s why:

In my youth I spent a lot of time with negative emotions. I was angry a lot, I was sad a lot, I was frustrated, self deprecating, and disliked a lot of things around me. When something hard happened (death in the family, a friend dropped me for someone better, poor grade on a test, someone was especially rude, etc.) I couldn’t let it go. I was sad about if for a long time. A lot of the time, I was sad for no reason at all. I would cry and cry and cry and couldn’t understand why everyone around me could be so happy when I felt like my world was crashing down, all the time.

I felt like something was wrong with me. I would go to church and hear lessons about being of good cheer, service, and how happiness was a choice. I even felt like some of the teachers and other kids in my class would look at me and make comments that seemed to indicate they were talking about me. I felt so small, confused, and disliked by others. I felt like no one wanted me around, that I was a burden. Even though this wasn’t always true, it was what I perceived, and unfortunately, for those with mental illness, our negative perceptions about life are our reality.

During these difficult times, I would wonder what it would be like if I died the next day. Would people care? Would they miss me? Would they feel sorry for making me feel like I was worthless and that no one wanted me? Sometimes I wished I would die.

So, when I learned about depression in my psychology classes, can you see why I would think I possibly had depression?

Of course I turned down the idea. No one wants depression. No one wants a debilitating illness. No one wants to suffer from something they don’t understand.

So time goes on. I go to BYU for my freshman year and I LOVED it. I was happier than I had ever been. But, even in my moments of true joy, an hour later I could feel deep sorrow. I would cry because I was sad, for no apparent reason. Again, there were people around me who were happy all the time, and I couldn’t understand why I was so sad, even when things were good. I still had the same thoughts about death, and wondered if I died, if people would even care.

During this time Heavenly Father and I decided that I should serve a mission, so as a 19 year old girl, one month after my freshman year ends, I went. I was promised that I would receive greater joy than I had ever experienced before in my life. Was that true? On occasion. Most of the time? Definitely not, at least not for me.

Just as with every part of my life so far, there were some missionaries who were happy all the time. ALL THE TIME. It was really hard for me. By this point in my life, I had become well acquainted with the Savior and learned that opposition was necessary and that progression could not be achieved without affliction. I had learned that if we want to become like Jesus Christ, we need to experience and acknowledge deep sorrow. And yet again, I felt like some missionaries who, for whatever reason, got to be more happy than I did, looked down on me for being sad.

About halfway through my mission my depression peaked. In the past, prayer helped, I felt comfort from the Holy Ghost, and I could try to look on the bright side and sometimes it would work. But, I reached the point where all of that ended. All I could see and hear and feel was darkness. I felt lost, alone and abandoned. And of course, I felt sad and confused. Confused as to why when I was being more faithful and obedient than I had ever been in my whole life, why it didn’t bring me joy.

I started to see an LDS Family Services Counselor and a psychiatrist (loved them both by the way, they were awesome).  I kept thinking that once I had enough therapy or got on some medication, I would be fixed. This would all go away and I could finish my mission happy and whole and everything would be good.

Wrong.

Days of waiting turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and I found my self asking my Heavenly Father why He wanted me stay on my mission if He wouldn’t heal me. I tried so many different medications and none of them helped. I lost all hope and faith. I would say to myself “If this is my life, then I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want it. I wish I could cease to exist.” Those are passive suicidal thoughts.

With even more time, I started to have active suicidal thoughts. I wanted to die, I would think about ways I could do it, and I couldn’t get them out. The darkness grew thicker and thicker. I would ask God all the time if I should go home. The answer was always no.

Then, my mission was over. I finished. I thought “Awesome! Now that I’m going home, my depression will go away, I won’t be suicidal anymore, and everything will be good. I’ll go to BYU again, and I’ll be happy, just like I was my freshman year.”

Wrong again.

Honestly, my depression got worse. I continued therapy and trying different medications, but they never worked. I was tired. I wanted my life to be over. I was sick of waiting.

So I dropped out of the semester and moved back home with my family for several months. It was still rough. I felt like a failure. The suicidal thoughts continued. But, we continued treatment. I found a new therapist and a new psychiatrist. And guess what, after 18 months of bitter sorrow, exceeding doubt, and immense darkness, I woke up one morning and I didn’t want to die.

What? I had spent the last year and a half wishing that I could disappear because that would be better than feeling this way for the rest of my life. And then, out of nowhere, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. There was hope that things could get better.

Over the rest of the summer, things got better. My thoughts became more healthy, I felt more productive, and I planned on returning to school in the fall.

I did. And it was all okay.

It has been very hard. I still have depression. I still have to take medication. I fight every day to believe that my life has a purpose, that people love me, and that I am capable of doing life. And I am still here.

I left A LOT of things out of this post. Mostly about the spiritual experiences I had (they were few and far between, but I had them), how much I have since realized my God WAS helping me (I just couldn’t see or feel it), my friends and family who helped me along the way, and all of the things I learned (believe me, I learned a TON). But that’s because the purpose of this post was to talk about depression and my experience with suicidal thoughts.

I am so grateful for the many examples in my life who have showed me what endurance is, for my Savior Jesus Christ who has felt all of this with me, and for my Heavenly Father who was always there. The church has some amazing resources about suicide prevention and about help with mental illness. Here is one of the websites:

https://www.lds.org/preventingsuicide/?lang=eng

Here are also a couple of Mormon Messages that I absolutely love that talk about depression and suicide:

https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/like-a-broken-vessel

https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/sitting-on-the-bench-thoughts-on-suicide-prevention

I firmly believe that God is a merciful God, that He knows our circumstances, our thoughts, and the desires of our hearts. I believe He takes into account all of the suffering we experience, especially those who suffer from mental illness.

To all of my friends who suffer from mental illness, I LOVE YOU! Oh my goodness I love you so much. If you have any questions for me, PLEASE ask. And I’m sure I have some friends who I have no idea struggle with it. To you I say: I may not know that you have it, but I do know that God knows, and that He wants to help you.

Thanks for reading this extremely long essay. I love you!

I made it :)

I’m in China! Oh man I’m in China. Sometimes when we’re in our apartment watching a movie I forget I’m in a strange land with different people and some pretty interesting food.

Also, just thought you should know that this is a pretty boring post, mostly just a summary of my week here and random thoughts that I’ve been having.

The trip here was definitely a trip. After 36+ hours of travel, two planes, a ferry, and a long bus ride, we arrived at our apartment at 2am. It was hot and muggy, so muggy that we all just sweat and sweat and sweat. And jet lag my friends, jet lag is so real.

I completely adore the girls in my group. There are six of us teaching this semester and we have so much fun together. Unfortunately, we haven’t started teaching yet (technical difficulties apparently) and we’re all just dying to get to know our little babies!

Sometimes I find myself complaining (not a ton, but more than I should be), about how different things are and how much stress that causes for my silly little brain. I knew going into this that my mattress would literally be a wooden board, I would be fed chicken feet, and that it would be so humid that my makeup and hair would be destroyed every time we walked out the door. But of course, it’s different when you actually experience it :)

Thus, I decided to make a quick list of the tender mercies Heavenly Father has been showing me throughout my time here.

1. I am being given many opportunities to grow and exercise patience, with my surroundings, those around me, and mostly myself.

2. I have the ability to pray. To pray!! To speak with my Heavenly Father about everything and anything. In the midst of the unknown, I am privileged to communicate with the person who knows me perfectly.

3. I live with the best group of girls. Honestly. I love them. It’s only been a week and I feel like I can be myself around them, which is something I have a hard time doing, even with people I’ve known for years.

4. I have a roof over my head, AC in the apartment, and shoes to wear.

5. I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who loves me, is patient with me, and forgives me for my weaknesses. He helps me to try over and over and over again to be better. And when I feel like I’m failing, he reminds me of how far I’ve come.

6. My Father in Heaven doesn’t expect perfection from me in this life, only progress. And as long as I stay close to Him, I am progressing, even though it may not always feel like it.

7. There are Oreos here guys. It’s one of the only things that I’ve tried so far that taste the same here as in my beloved U.S. of A.

8. We have the sweetest coordinator; she lives here in Zhongshan and does all she can to help us and make us feel comfortable.

9. When I feel like everything is strange, I open up my scriptures and find so much solace. I love those words. I have loved them all my life. I know them. They have given me peace in confusion, answers to my questions, and helped me to feel the love of God. They are familiar to me in this time of unfamiliarity.

I know that there are many more things my Heavenly Father has blessed me with, but these are the ones that have come up this past week. I believe that He is helping me through this journey, and has allowed me to feel so much joy already. I don’t want to live life without Him, the Savior and the Holy Ghost. They give me life. Why would I want to go through this life alone when I don’t have to?

Love you all. Thanks for reading. And, as always, please ask me any questions you may have :)

I'm Going to China Everybody.

Hi! Okay so I have a few disclaimers:

1. I have never written a blog, so I have no idea what I’m doing.

2. Part of the reason I have never written a blog is because I know I would feel unnecessary pressure to write frequently. BUT, I decided I’m going to write one anyways, and I make absolutely zero guarantees that I will ever write again.

3. Many of the things I will write about are personal, but I feel like I should do this.

4. I believe in God, a loving Heavenly Father who guides my life and who gave His Son, Jesus Christ, so I can be a better person than I am on my own. I will refer to my relationship with Them often because They mean everything to me. They ARE everything to me.

5. I struggle with mental illness. I do not post about it on social media very often because I believe it is widely misunderstood and impossible to explain to even the kindest of people who have never experienced it, not to mention the people who still think it’s fake. However, mental illness is part of my life and it would be impossible to write about my experiences without referring to it. So, if you do not like the fact that people have depression, then you probably shouldn’t read this :)

Alright I think that about covers it. Let’s move on to how I decided to spend a semester in China teaching English to elementary aged kids.

Living in Provo as a young single adult is great but also hard. You are surrounded by wonderful people who all want the same things out of life and who are trying to achieve the same goals. It’s great. But sometimes you also feel lost in the crowd. People finish the semester with higher grades than you, take more credits than you, graduate sooner, have better jobs, get married and have a family, and just achieve more than you. And because of that, a lot of times you just feel pretty average and lonely. At the end of the semester in April I was feeling those things deeply.

I also thought I had a great internship lined up that would go into the school year. I was excited for the experience it would give me in my field of study and for the opportunity I would have to serve the people I would work with. Unfortunately, it didn’t end up working out.

My cousin Adam simultaneously had a great summer job lined up. Through a series of events, things also didn’t work out for him liked he planned.

My family currently lives in Guadalajara, Mexico, and all year Adam and I talked about visiting them together. When our summer plans didn’t go the way we had originally planned, we bought plane tickets to Guadalajara on a whim and three days later we were on our way. While there, he and I decided to go to Puerto Vallarta for a few days on our own. In PV I discovered what people meant when they said they loved to travel. We talked to the locals, rode the jankity busses around the city, and ate amazing food. We did what we wanted, when we wanted. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the emptiness that comes from loneliness. I didn’t feel lost in a crowd of amazing people. I felt happy being who I was. And just like that, I caught the travel bug.

On our way back to Provo we started planning other fun trips we could do together. For the first time ever I let myself dream about exploring the world, and the thought about doing so brought me so much joy. I tried not to think practically like I am prone to do (money, schooling, scheduling, etc.). I just let myself dream.

Upon my return home my roommate (and also my BFF) Laura said “Hey Syd, come with me to this info session for ILP!” (ILP is the International Language Program, read more about them here: www.ilp.org). I had heard about them before, but never seriously considered doing it because of school, money, etc., all of the things I wish we didn’t have to worry about but we do.

At the info session I kept my mind open. I listened to the experiences the ILP representatives were sharing, the logistics of the program, and I thought to myself “I could do this. I could go this fall”. ILP has several countries where you can volunteer to teach English, but I immediately wanted to go to China.

I went home and prayed about it for a while. I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, so I decided to sleep on it and then go to the temple the next day. I called my mom in the morning and told her that I was thinking about going to China for the fall semester, and her first words were “Oh Sydney you have to go! You have to go”. With her support, I went to the temple, still trying to pace myself and think practically but also dream a little. As I entered the doors of that holy place the Spirit filled my heart. I felt like Heavenly Father was saying to me “I want you to do what YOU want to do. I trust you, I love you, and I want you to be happy. If this will make you happy, I want you to do it.” It was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever shared with my Father in Heaven.

So I signed up. I went through the process ILP has, learned everything I possibly could about the program, went to a live training, completed more online training, worked two jobs, cancelled my classes for the fall, sold my housing contract, rented out a storage unit, bought all of my supplies, and now here I am, preparing to leave in three days.

I believe Heavenly Father completely prepared me for this adventure. If the internship I wanted had worked out, I wouldn’t have gone to Mexico, I wouldn’t have experienced real travel, and I wouldn’t have dreamt about exploring the world. I also would have felt bad leaving the internship at the end of the summer, and probably wouldn’t have (because I’m practical like that).

In the grand scheme of life, what is four months? Who cares that I’m 22 and still have 2 years of my undergraduate degree and a few more for my master’s degree? Who cares that I won’t be making any money for four months and will come home broke?

Who. Cares.

When we’re 85 years old we’re all going to have wrinkly skin, grey hair, crazy health problems, and a ton of grandkids. A few months or even years won’t matter. I’m going to be working and taking care of a family for my whole life. If I don’t get to that point as soon as all of the people around me do, what difference does it make? The difference will be that I spent four months of my life leaving everything I know, to go to a place I’ve never been, with people I’ve never met, doing something I’ve never done. The difference will be that I grew in ways I didn’t know possible, see things I didn’t know existed, and experience a joy and a healing I don’t think I’ll find anywhere else. The difference will be that I will be a happier me.

And that’s what we all want anyways :)